If you’ve paid any attention to this blog (well, back when it was more active) you might have noticed that my life has been pretty chaotic for the last…forever? Well, for the last three years, anyway. I’ve been dodging from one identity to another, and from crisis to crisis.
My whole life totally collapsed back in 2015 when I had to drop out of my graduate program due to mental health issues. Even though I’ve been accepted into another program at another university, things have been rough until quite recently. Yet my life has somehow begun to stabilize.
I was born with Saturn in Sagittarius. My Saturn return began in December of 2014, and is now coming to an end. I’m not an overly enthusiastic proponent of astrology (it often seems too deterministic), but I do believe in cycles. Saturn return is a pretty powerful cycle.
I’ve been stashing ideas in various places for a few months now, trying to assemble them into my own path. It’s been slow going, and messy, because I’m honestly not well-organized by nature. I’m much more comfortable in chaos. Yet oddly, I do love the process of organization. I seek patterns in things, and tend to find them – even in the chaos.
So perhaps it shouldn’t surprise me that the most promising sources for my path-building have not been religious texts or magical primers, but my library science textbooks. This semester’s course on cataloging has stirred me more than anything else to find order within my chaos.
It’s been a while since I’ve made a “personal” post, so here goes:
I no longer have my own place, as I’ve moved in with my parents. This is actually going pretty well. My mom and I have come to a much deeper understanding of each other, and we no longer fight like we once did. As a result, my stress levels have gone waaaaay down because I’m not afraid to talk to her about things (and I’m pretty sure she’d say EXACTLY the same thing!)
In other, bigger news, I’ve been accepted into one of the state’s best Library Science programs, and I’m honestly shocked how happy I am there. The teachers treat us (the students) as fucking adults. At NCSU I was often shocked how little the professors trusted us. “Put your computer away! Let me see the doctor’s note! PAY ATTENTION! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU???”
The work I’ve been doing in the MLIS program has given me much to think about though, and I’ll be trying to order my thoughts into a couple of coherent entries over the course of the next couple days. Thanks for reading!
I mentioned in my last post that I am a spiritual student, and though that remark wasn’t entirely serious, I’ve come to realize that it wasn’t really a joke either. After all, being a student is work. It’s fucking exhausting.
I am crying my way through graduate school, as my mother would put it (and as she did too). I want those red robes to make my ancestors proud. Those red robes are my goal. That parchment paper with the gold leaf is my reward. It will go on the wall next to my other awards, for the glory of My Lady.
I am a spiritual student. Learning is my work. It’s hard work. It’s exhausting work. Yet I love it, because it rewards me in ways that no other work can. It is My Lady’s work. I would have it no other way.
When I see other polytheists talk about their Work, I can’t help but feel a bit self-conscious, because right now, I’m spiritually unemployed.
I feel like my path should have some unifying purpose down in there somewhere, but right now I can’t find it. I’m not sure I even want to look for it, really. I just want to get through the next week of classes without missing any assignments, and Saraswati helps with that. It’s how we met.
Saraswati has never demanded much of me. She has not asked for pledges of loyalty or fidelity (though I have given them). She has really only wanted me to stay curious and keep learning. So you know, perhaps I’m not unemployed after all; perhaps I’m simply a spiritual student. 😉