If you’ve paid any attention to this blog (well, back when it was more active) you might have noticed that my life has been pretty chaotic for the last…forever? Well, for the last three years, anyway. I’ve been dodging from one identity to another, and from crisis to crisis.
My whole life totally collapsed back in 2015 when I had to drop out of my graduate program due to mental health issues. Even though I’ve been accepted into another program at another university, things have been rough until quite recently. Yet my life has somehow begun to stabilize.
I was born with Saturn in Sagittarius. My Saturn return began in December of 2014, and is now coming to an end. I’m not an overly enthusiastic proponent of astrology (it often seems too deterministic), but I do believe in cycles. Saturn return is a pretty powerful cycle.
My relationship with My Lady is intensely personal, and much of it is too private to share, for reasons that are probably obvious to anyone who reads this blog. I’ve had to cut conversations in meatspace short when they began to get a bit too close to my actual practices, because I’m just not willing to share what those are with someone who clearly won’t agree.
I realized a little while ago that I make many of my decisions out of fear. I honestly don’t think this is unusual for someone in my position and with my personal history, and it doesn’t surprise me.
What did upset me was realizing how much of my spiritual path was based on fear. I’m not afraid of hellfire and damnation, mind you. I’m afraid of being yelled at. Afraid of being bullied. Afraid of being called out. I’m afraid of being wrong.
I’ve been so afraid of being called wrong that I don’t know what I think is right.
So I’ll start with what I know is true.
I love you, Saraswati Devi.
I keep telling myself that it will all be OK. In fact, it’s a phrase that’s repeating in my head as a mantra. It’s going to be OK. But I know that’s a lie I’m telling myself, and it’s a very self-serving one. Things are not OK. They have never been OK.
The US is the same as it’s always been. It’s just all out in the open now.
I’m white and affluent. Those privileges count for a great deal, especially in the rural South where I live. My family is locally prominent (actually this is the reason my blog is anonymous). There’s so much that I’ve never had to deal with, and so much I’m probably not going to have to deal with, compared to my friends.
I’m perfectly safe where I am, but I don’t feel that I can in good conscience remain “where I am” for the next few years. My friends are not safe, and I’m scared shitless for them. It’s not OK.
Too many in the devotional polytheist movement assume that it is a religion and not many religions. I’ve seen others go further and assume that the way things work for their polytheism is the way things work for every polytheism, and then chastise others for being disrespectful to the gods.
This morning one of my friends died, and I feel like I’m somehow responsible because a few months ago I had a premonition of her death. Plenty of books out there will tell you how to develop psychic powers, but it seems like very few of them tell you what the consequences of those powers can be. Do you want to see the future? No, you don’t. You really, really don’t.
My status as LGBTQ+, autistic, nonbinary, and disabled has made me keenly aware that society has a “default” and it doesn’t look like me, even though my whiteness and class privilege makes it far easier to bend things into something resembling a shape I can use.