I mentioned in one of my recent posts that I’ve begun looking into bhakti yoga. (So many feels!) I’m incredibly thankful for the help of Silence Maestas, who recommended many resources to me. One of these was Dance of Divine Love, by Graham M. Schweig.
As new copies were retailing for $60USD I quickly flipped to the “buy used” tab, where it was being sold for less than half that. It turns out, the most reasonably priced copy was inscribed by the author.
I can live with that. 😉
My Lady Saraswati woke me up with a kiss yesterday morning. It wasn’t a romantic fairytale kiss, waking me up from my deep enchanted slumber. Instead, it was rather like my old grey cat pawing at my nose to be fed. Perhaps that’s why I responded so quickly? In any case, I saw her clearly for just one brief instant. I certainly heard her clearly when she told me this.
Time to get up sweetie. You’ve got a lot of work to do today.
I realized a little while ago that I make many of my decisions out of fear. I honestly don’t think this is unusual for someone in my position and with my personal history, and it doesn’t surprise me.
What did upset me was realizing how much of my spiritual path was based on fear. I’m not afraid of hellfire and damnation, mind you. I’m afraid of being yelled at. Afraid of being bullied. Afraid of being called out. I’m afraid of being wrong.
I’ve been so afraid of being called wrong that I don’t know what I think is right.
So I’ll start with what I know is true.
I love you, Saraswati Devi.
I keep telling myself that it will all be OK. In fact, it’s a phrase that’s repeating in my head as a mantra. It’s going to be OK. But I know that’s a lie I’m telling myself, and it’s a very self-serving one. Things are not OK. They have never been OK.
The US is the same as it’s always been. It’s just all out in the open now.
I’m white and affluent. Those privileges count for a great deal, especially in the rural South where I live. My family is locally prominent (actually this is the reason my blog is anonymous). There’s so much that I’ve never had to deal with, and so much I’m probably not going to have to deal with, compared to my friends.
I’m perfectly safe where I am, but I don’t feel that I can in good conscience remain “where I am” for the next few years. My friends are not safe, and I’m scared shitless for them. It’s not OK.