A Little About Me

So…I first caught My Lady’s eye when I was about 10.

I found her picture in a book and thought the idea of a goddess of learning who blessed books was SO FUCKING COOL. But I was a devout Catholic and (at that time) happy with my religion. As such, I didn’t even believe Saraswati could be *real* No wonder she waited. 😉 I wasn’t in a state of mind to handle a relationship with her.

I broke with Catholicism when I was about 18. G-D’s silence finally was too much for me (but that is another story.) For a few years I tried very hard to be an atheist, except I believed in…something. I just didn’t know what it was, until I discovered that polytheism was A Thing and People Do That Thing.

At first, I reached out to the kami, since I was well acquainted with Japanese history and lore. Ame no Uzume was the main one. She was incredibly patient, but very polite. I wanted to honor Amaterasu-Omikami, but something always seemed to push me away…

Then there was Benzaiten-sama. It started as a working relationship, really. I offered her pretty things in exchange for luck and success in my schoolwork. She always obliged, so I prayed to her more and more. Along the way, I discovered that she was the beautiful and wise Saraswati.

I don’t remember what happened to help me make the jump from treating her like a vending machine to an actual devotional relationship, but at some point I must have realized that there was another mind present when I was speaking to her. That’s when I decided to craft a special figure to represent her.

When I presented it to her, I felt her fingers tickle down my spine. She was very, very pleased. After that, you could say I fell down the rabbit hole. My life has never been the same.

I don’t count my relationship with Saraswati as beginning when I saw her picture in that book. It started when I made a choice to ask her into my life instead of continuing to chase after People that didn’t want me, just like My Lady respected my choice.

Familiar Pains

So I was window-shopping for my spoiled dolls, I mean, my helpful familiars when I come across an adorable pair of fairywings from Bambicrony. Joren screamed in my ear that she had to have them.

I looked at the promo pictures. Yes, they would be sooo cute on her. I put a pair in the e-cart. $37, which is a reasonable price in the BJD world. Shipping? EMS only. Calculate shipping…(Yaaaay, Joren’s gonna be soooooooooo cute!!!)

YOU WANT HOW MUCH FOR SHIPPING???

The total cost ended up at $62.

The Turtle Shell

My usual response to stress is to withdraw, and others have noted this about me. I shield myself very effectively. Too effectively actually. I call it the “turtle shell.” Nothing can get through it, not even Saraswati. I block myself off from all intimacy and interaction. It’s not healthy, and it leaves me feeling suffocated.

It’s 2016, and I turned 29 a little less than 2 weeks ago. This has me feeling anxious, as I’m living in my parents house at the moment, still don’t have a job or a source of income, and I’ve withdrawn from grad school. Though I’m in the process of applying to another program (one that will suit me much better), I must confess I feel so much despair about the whole thing.

Right now, I’m shut up in my turtle shell, and the only way out is… I don’t know. Stick my head out, perhaps?

Ritual & The Godbothered

I’m not a big ritual person. Honestly, too often it feels like I’m just waving my arms around and talking to myself, even though I know Saraswati is right there. In fact, I think that’s the problem. Most rituals are designed to get the gods’ attention, so they come across as rather silly when that god is already standing right behind you…and giving a running commentary on your performance.