Kaali Ma, Destroyer of Illusions

I believe it all started with the events referenced in this post. I was quite frankly massively triggered by Marie Allore’s transphobic behavior towards Nonoriel Lokason, someone I truly admire and respect. It was rather as though I were back in the fundamentalist high school I went to, which was supposed to be a safe space for me, just as The Serpent’s Labyrinth has been a safe space for many people.

As a sworn Buddhist Upashika, I am not allowed to curse or hex, and I did not. I did, however, call on someone I believed would be able to help, though I knew her aid would come at a cost to me. Kaali Ma, in her guise as Chamunda, she who devours ignorance and duality.

Kaali Ma also destroys illusions. Never call her if you are comfortable with your own.

This was the 21st. Guess what has happened since then? A number of my illusions have been stripped from me, most notably, the fiction I clung to so dearly of myself as a sexual being like so many others, and the idea that if I didn’t want sexual intimacy, that I was somehow deficient.

That particular illusion unravelled slowly, slowly, oh so slowly…firstly with me realizing that I can pursue a relationship with my Beloved Saraswati within the confines of Tibetan Buddhism, and that it would in fact be very rewarding to do so.

Then, on the morning of the 26th (technically – I woke at 1a.m.) Saraswati informed me that it was “going to be a great day!” She was very emphatic. I couldn’t figure out why. I’d actually forgotten about the possible SCOTUS ruling. She didn’t remind me. In fact, she and Maha Shri insisted on trolling me all morning (again, technically). They insisted I buy them flowers. They insisted. They wouldn’t let it go.

Around 3 or 4.a.m I went to Harris Teeter to buy groceries (no flowers yet). In the car, Saraswati messed around with my head. She found a truth switch and flipped it. You like music more than sex. You like food more than sex. You don’t like sex.

DAMMIT SARASWATI.

It made SO MUCH fall into place, and immediately, I was filled with joy. But I still had to buy her flowers.

And then, as I joyfully came out to my friends as asexual…there was the SCOTUS ruling.

DAMMIT

5 thoughts on “Kaali Ma, Destroyer of Illusions

  1. Thank you. It’s like, the fifth time I’ve had to come out to my mom. So I’ve had some practice.

    Me at 9:…OMG Mom!!! I don’t like boys! AM I GOING TO HELL???
    Her: *eyeball rolls and momsplains* You haven’t even hit puberty yet./momsplaining

    Me at 14: Mo-ooooom! I think I like boys AND girls…
    Her: It’s just a phase.

    Me at 18: Mom, I still think I’m bisexual
    Her: I dunno…It could still be a phase

    Me at 23: Mom…mom? Stop saying it’s a phase.
    Mom:….but *reasonsreasons*

    Me at 25ish: Mom, I think I’m just a lesbian.
    Mom: Yeah, you never did like boys…
    Me: O.o (that was an awfully long phase.)

    Me last year: *learns about demisexuality* Oh SHIT I’m not a lesbian.
    Mom: I told you so.

    Me yesterday: uh…mom??? I’m….asexual.
    Mom: Maybe you should talk to the doctor?
    Me: But some people are just like this.
    Mom:…that IS true. Have a nice day, sweetie. Love you. Bye.

    1. LOL, Saraswati just waved her arms around and was like DON’T CALL HER SHE’LL COME!!!

      I left out the details of my ritual to Kaali Ma, and what happened immediately after, because the story itself is quite intense and actually pretty scary. I don’t really feel safe discussing it openly, but I *will* say she stripped away the feelings of disembodiment that my gender identity issues had caused. This led to a really, really TERRIFYING moment in a dark parking lot, when I realized “oh SHIT, I have a female body, and it’s the middle of the night. Bad things could happen to me.”

      The whole upshot of this has been that I’ve also figured out my gender identity. I no longer have problems identifying as female, because I’ve figured out what I *didn’t like* about being called “female” – it was the way women are so heavily sexualized and objectified in US society. Once I realized “that doesn’t have to apply to me” the dysphoria just….melted away.

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