I believe it all started with the events referenced in this post. I was quite frankly massively triggered by Marie Allore’s transphobic behavior towards Nonoriel Lokason, someone I truly admire and respect. It was rather as though I were back in the fundamentalist high school I went to, which was supposed to be a safe space for me, just as The Serpent’s Labyrinth has been a safe space for many people.
As a sworn Buddhist Upashika, I am not allowed to curse or hex, and I did not. I did, however, call on someone I believed would be able to help, though I knew her aid would come at a cost to me. Kaali Ma, in her guise as Chamunda, she who devours ignorance and duality.
Kaali Ma also destroys illusions. Never call her if you are comfortable with your own.
This was the 21st. Guess what has happened since then? A number of my illusions have been stripped from me, most notably, the fiction I clung to so dearly of myself as a sexual being like so many others, and the idea that if I didn’t want sexual intimacy, that I was somehow deficient.
That particular illusion unravelled slowly, slowly, oh so slowly…firstly with me realizing that I can pursue a relationship with my Beloved Saraswati within the confines of Tibetan Buddhism, and that it would in fact be very rewarding to do so.
Then, on the morning of the 26th (technically – I woke at 1a.m.) Saraswati informed me that it was “going to be a great day!” She was very emphatic. I couldn’t figure out why. I’d actually forgotten about the possible SCOTUS ruling. She didn’t remind me. In fact, she and Maha Shri insisted on trolling me all morning (again, technically). They insisted I buy them flowers. They insisted. They wouldn’t let it go.
Around 3 or 4.a.m I went to Harris Teeter to buy groceries (no flowers yet). In the car, Saraswati messed around with my head. She found a truth switch and flipped it. You like music more than sex. You like food more than sex. You don’t like sex.
It made SO MUCH fall into place, and immediately, I was filled with joy. But I still had to buy her flowers.
And then, as I joyfully came out to my friends as asexual…there was the SCOTUS ruling.