I am I

I am I, and as I am, so art thou
Thou art that which lies within
I am that and thou art that in me
As I am now, so you were once
And soon once more you’ll be

I am thine and thou art mine
As you were once, so shall you be
And soon once more with me
I am I, and as I am, so art thou

I am that which is in all
And within all, so are you
As they are, so are we
As we are now, so shall they be
I am that which lies within
I am I, and as I am, so art thou

Immanence

I’ve never gotten a good look at Saraswati’s face, and I’ve finally realized that I never will, because she doesn’t have one. She will wear a face and a form as needed, but she has never needed to with me. Saraswati left a piece of herself in my heart. She is immanent within me, not somewhere outside me. I don’t need to see her, so she allows herself to remain as she is – unseen.

My Lady’s immanence has been quite frankly a source of frustration at times. It’s easy to forget about something that’s inside you. It’s also complicated my relationship with her. She is a part of me; I am one with her. You can’t separate me from My Lady. She has woven herself into me. How do I celebrate that? How do I relate to that? I really don’t know. All I know is that she is always here with me, even if I can’t always tell. Even if I can’t see.

The High Priestess

To Saraswati

My Lady sits upon a silver throne,
A crescent moon of white beneath her feet
In starry splendor, heaven’s light has shone
Upon her face and form, her smile so sweet.

My Lady walks within a garden wall
A crescent crown of white upon her brow
Her starry splendor, radiant to all
I see her and I kiss her feet and bow

My Lady stands before a temple veil
A crescent smile of white upon her lips
Before her starry splendor my words fail
She lifts me to my feet and grants a kiss

My Lady is a splendid crescent one,
Her Moon to me, more wondrous than the Sun

RWS_Tarot_02_High_Priestess

Love Wins

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I thought I should share a picture of the flowers I bought yesterday morning for Maha Shri (aka Lakshmi) and Saraswati. They were both utterly insistent that I buy them both flowers. Neither of them explained precisely what the occasion was. They simply led me to believe that it was because I hadn’t bought either of them presents for a long time (and to be fair, that’s probably partly the reason they asked…)

Despite my neglect, both of The Ladies were in excellent moods yesterday morning. Saraswati announced “It’s going to be a great day.” without qualifying further. For the first time in a long time, I felt her presence as pure joy. At 8 a.m, I got in the car and drove to Fresh Market. By this time, Saraswati had already flipped the Truth Switches in my head to bring on my epiphany regarding my own sexuality, yet the pair of them (Lakshmi and My Lady Saraswati herself) were flirting with me, and now that I knew what was truly expected of me, it felt so liberating to simply enjoy their attentions.

I spent some time arranging the flowers in the offering bowls to Their specifications, which left me with a perfect bunch of headless roses. One of them (I believe Lakshmi) quipped that the bouquet of thorny stems would be an excellent gift for “the TERFs.” I wasn’t sure why she brought it up, but I had to agree.

Afterwards, I began the process of coming out as asexual. I messaged a friend for support, and called my mother. It went over so much better than I was expected, the whole thing seemed rather anti-climactic.

And then I refreshed my feed.

The ruling had come down. Saraswati continued to be smug for the next few hours.

Kaali Ma, Destroyer of Illusions

I believe it all started with the events referenced in this post. I was quite frankly massively triggered by Marie Allore’s transphobic behavior towards Nonoriel Lokason, someone I truly admire and respect. It was rather as though I were back in the fundamentalist high school I went to, which was supposed to be a safe space for me, just as The Serpent’s Labyrinth has been a safe space for many people.

As a sworn Buddhist Upashika, I am not allowed to curse or hex, and I did not. I did, however, call on someone I believed would be able to help, though I knew her aid would come at a cost to me. Kaali Ma, in her guise as Chamunda, she who devours ignorance and duality.

Kaali Ma also destroys illusions. Never call her if you are comfortable with your own.

This was the 21st. Guess what has happened since then? A number of my illusions have been stripped from me, most notably, the fiction I clung to so dearly of myself as a sexual being like so many others, and the idea that if I didn’t want sexual intimacy, that I was somehow deficient.

That particular illusion unravelled slowly, slowly, oh so slowly…firstly with me realizing that I can pursue a relationship with my Beloved Saraswati within the confines of Tibetan Buddhism, and that it would in fact be very rewarding to do so.

Then, on the morning of the 26th (technically – I woke at 1a.m.) Saraswati informed me that it was “going to be a great day!” She was very emphatic. I couldn’t figure out why. I’d actually forgotten about the possible SCOTUS ruling. She didn’t remind me. In fact, she and Maha Shri insisted on trolling me all morning (again, technically). They insisted I buy them flowers. They insisted. They wouldn’t let it go.

Around 3 or 4.a.m I went to Harris Teeter to buy groceries (no flowers yet). In the car, Saraswati messed around with my head. She found a truth switch and flipped it. You like music more than sex. You like food more than sex. You don’t like sex.

DAMMIT SARASWATI.

It made SO MUCH fall into place, and immediately, I was filled with joy. But I still had to buy her flowers.

And then, as I joyfully came out to my friends as asexual…there was the SCOTUS ruling.

DAMMIT